DEAR LIPSTICK & DIPSTICK: I am a married 35-year-old woman who is as gay as they get. Long story short: I tried to be straight. I got married and then got pregnant and now here I am, ready to pop. I love my husband with all my heart and could never imagine my life without him. He’s always there for me, but when it comes to sex and intimacy, that’s where it ends. What should I do?—Prego Peggy in Pasadena
DIPSTICK: You’re pregnant? Eouch.
LIPSTICK: I hear it really hurts, especially when your taint rips like a zipper. Get an epidural and then ask for a prescription of Xanax to help you deal with all this afterwards.
DIPSTICK: Well, I don’t know about any of that, but…coming out right after you have a baby isn’t great timing, but it’s not the worst we’ve heard. There was that one girl who wrote us from her honeymoon. She finally figured out why she wasn’t looking forward to her wedding night. It’s a good thing you can’t imagine life without your husband, because no matter what happens with the rest of your relationship, you two are now tied for life. What you need to do, once you get the stitches out, in between feedings and diaper changing, is to come up with a plan. Leave him and take the baby? Stay married, but work out an arrangement to see women on the side? No matter what you do, find a good coming out support group and therapist. You’re going to need both!
LIPSTICK: You’re right, Dip—if there was ever a couple who needs therapy, these two are the poster children. Preggo Pants, even though she’s young, set a good example for your daughter by confessing everything to your husband (maybe wait until your hormones have balanced out). Right now, he is your life partner and honesty is the only way to go. (Be prepared: even though he probably already suspects you want a slice of pie, he may well freak out, especially since you just had a child.) Then deal with the fallout. It won’t be easy, but living with this angst is harder, trust me. Be brave, forgive yourself and believe in who you are.
DEAR LIPSTICK & DIPSTICK: Why does it seem like everyone in the lesbian community hates butch lesbians? Today, I had four people tell me: "If I wanted to date a man, I would." I was shocked. I'm one hundred percent woman. Just ask my ex's! One of these people actually told me I disgust her. What's up with the hate?—Beat Up Butch
LIPSTICK: Okay, calm down there, lil’ butchie. No need to get your men’s brief in a bunch. Believe it or not, there’s actually no “let’s destroy the butches” conspiracy going and what’s happening is that you’ve recently run into some serious assholes. Have your chakras cleansed and give the world and its people another chance.
DIPSTICK: Lipstick, you have no idea what you’re talking about. While I do receive letters of undying devotion from would-be suitors on a regular basis, it’s the butch hate-mail I get that sticks to the sides of my heart. These are some that I’ve actually received: “What's the use of having left a man to be with a bunch of women who look, act and smell like men?” And: “You know what would be great? If all butches were shipped to a deserted island and we wouldn't have to see your ugly faces anymore. That would be awesome! You could have flannel parties and play softball with your dildos.” Even though that island sounds like a lot of fun, comments like that really sting. As tough as we butches look on the outside, most of us are really tender inside. If you’re not attracted to butches, that’s fine, but why must people be so mean? Even though I know the haters are just insecure with their own identities, their venom is poisonous, especially to the young studs just coming out. It’s time for our whole community to rise in support of the beautiful butches out there.
LIPSTICK: Jeezes Dip. I had no idea. Next time you get one of these emails forward it to me. These spineless pussies will have no chance when I open up Lipstick’s can of whoop ass.
DEAR LIPSTICK & DIPSTICK: I'm in a relationship with a woman, Annie, who lives hundreds of miles away. I’m currently a student and Annie is in the military. We've always been faithful to each other, and she's never demonstrated an interest in other girls before. Hell, I even stayed with her through a six-month deployment to Iraq. We are pretty committed to each other. Recently, she found an internet social networking site (she told me it was initially for laughs), and found a girl's entry that interested her. She emailed her after I told her it was okay. They finally met for coffee with some of our friends. Since then, she's told me what’s going on with this girl and I’m trying to be as supportive as I can since she's had trouble finding friends and having fun since she got back from Baghdad. But Lip and Dip, I’m worried and feeling lousy because I don’t feel like I’m good enough for her. I’m afraid she wants to be with this woman. She insists that I’m the one she loves. Should I take a hard-line stance on this other girl? Or should I continue with my supportive attitude?—Angst-ridden in Albuquerque
LIPSTICK: [Sniff, sniff.] Dip, do you smell that? It’s a skunk.
DIPSTICK: Yes, I smell a skunk, but it’s not Annie, it’s Albuquerque. What do you mean, “I even stayed with her through a six month deployment in Iraq.” You think you deserve a medal for that? That’s what girlfriends do. And they let their partners make friends and pursue interests of their own. Especially when they’re not around. Long distance relationships are hard. But if they’re based on two things, it’s trust and communication. She’s not hiding anything from you, she’s being totally upfront about this new friend. I say you need to relax and let Annie enjoy her new friendship.
LIPSTICK: You’re too trusting Dipstick. I don’t like what I’m hearing—this new friend Annie’s hanging with. What you need to do is listen to your intuition, Albuquerque. If the red alert is still going off, then I think it’s time for a surprise visit. But if you decide it’s innocent enough, what is causing you bigger problems is the fact you don’t feel worthy of her love. Wayne Dyer once said: “You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being—not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money—but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.” You’ve got to get some self-worth, New Mexico, and then you’ll stop worrying about losing your girl because you’ll realize what an amazing catch you are.
DEAR LIPSTICK & DIPSTICK: I believe I have fallen mistakenly into a lesbo pitfall. I’m a 30-year-old Asian American postal worker living in Omaha, Nebraska. My girlfriend, Penny, who I’ve been off and on with for three years, is driving me crazy. We’re very passionate and look good together, but we’re so different fundamentally we almost kill each other sometimes. She had a substance abuse problem when we met, and I believe she has kicked the habit. She has control issues, but works hard to get over them. We argue over everything. I need my space and don’t like being caged. Our friends don't think we should be together, because we bitch so much. We’ve tried to be friends, but of course, ended up with benefits, which led to her wanting "us" back. I’m kind of non-committal at this point, but she wants to possess me. I try to be strong, but when she kisses me I still melt and cave in. So, my question is, if you have the intense passion we have and keep working on it, is there any hope? Or will one of us go insane or commit murder?—Perplexed Pussyhead
Lipstick: Uh, the fact that you used the word murder is alarming! I assume you meant it in jest, but Christ, the usage alone is horrendously telling. You need to get out of her codependent claws, even if you’re heartbroken about it (and you will be for awhile). And if it’s really that lethal, you need to get very far away, like moving out to another state. Just because you firecrackers combust when you touch doesn’t mean it’s healthy or worth saving; the contrary in this sitch, I’m afraid. The toxicity could be lethal and it may, god forbid, trigger violence. Put away your freshly-sharpened saber, the Chinese stars, and the nunchucks and lose the chick.
DIPSTICK: I know exactly what this is about: the hot sex. Reminds me of one of my early lovers. We too, had a passionate night in Omaha. We were on a cross-country trip and had a big fight a few hours earlier in Lincoln. Fought again in Des Moines and had great sex in Davenport. Finally broke up in Chicago and I had to hitch the rest of the way to Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. But my point is: fire is fire, whether it’s fighting or f**king. I can see why you’ve mistaken it for true love, though. The phenomenon has been immortalized in pop songs and Hollywood movies. My guess is your dysfunction has to do with her addictions. If you really want to make things work with this girl, get to an Al-anon meeting and learn the things you can and can’t change. You’ll decide for yourself whether or not you can make this into a healthy relationship.
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